I am not an expert and I am not a therapist. I lived it.

It was around me before I understood what it was

Gambling was around me before I ever understood what addiction was. Pitching quarters as a kid, then football pools, then parlay cards, then bookies. By 15 I was sitting across from my mother crying because I had lost more than I could come up with.

The paycheque got bigger and so did the losses

When I got a good-paying job right after high school, the bets got larger and so did the losses. I borrowed from friends, my girlfriend, her mother. When nobody was left, I went crawling back to my parents.

Eight years of walking in and back out

My mother suggested Gamblers Anonymous. I first walked in at 23, and for the next eight years I was in and out. I showed up when I was desperate.

“Then the pain would go away, the tears would dry up, and I would gamble again.”

It stopped being about money

By my early twenties gambling was not just hitting my finances. It was changing my character. I was becoming somebody my parents did not raise. Lying. Manipulating. Stealing.

Three months in county jail

At 28 I got into serious legal trouble after a bar fight. I pled guilty and spent three months in county jail. Two weeks after release I was gambling. I did not know how to stop and I did not want to.

“I had checked off two of the three true rock bottoms. Insanity and jail. Death was knocking on the door.”

There was no magical moment

My last bet was February 9, 2012. Nothing changed all at once. My family stopped rescuing me and stepped away. But people in Gamblers Anonymous kept showing up. Then Teddy, somebody I respected, asked me the question I needed to hear.

“What are you doing differently this time?”

I had to admit I did not know what was best for me

For years I wanted recovery without changing anything. I started going to meetings consistently. I got a sponsor. I worked the steps. Most of all, I did what people with long-term recovery suggested instead of believing I knew better.

It gave me more than not placing a bet

Recovery gave me the chance to become the person I believe my parents raised me to be. It gave me relationships I would never have had, and it gave me purpose. That purpose is why I started this show.

“That person does not have to be who you stay.”